mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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