haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
