Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
