I wish I could teleport
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
