good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
