Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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