he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
