Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize
