just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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