the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
