got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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