god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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