Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
