I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Welp...herpes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
