Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
