Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
