??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
