He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
