I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think i got beer on your cat.
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