Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it's like iHOP with fire
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
