Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
