just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
