you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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