I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
