Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
