I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
