I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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