Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
