I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
