Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
