I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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