I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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