Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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