I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
