you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
A+ Viking dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
