I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
