im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
