I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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