in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
