I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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