i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
