I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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