Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
