well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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