We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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