So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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