I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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