Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize