You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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