i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We are all done wearing pants today
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
