Only a mothe r could love this liver
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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