the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
