I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
